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Boys in Search of a True Identity

Recently, I saw a comic strip in which someone asks two little boys, "Why are you guys always fighting?"
One of them promptly answers, "Be- cause we're guys!"
There is more troth than humor here. Too many boys today are being brain- washed by what Pope John Paul D calls "the culture of death" to associate masculinity with violence and to see violence as a basic part of their sexual identity. Many boys take for granted that "real guys" have to fight They actually feel a sense of shame if they want to settle things peacefully.
Sociologist Elijah Anderson notes that a belief in violence as a way to "prove" manhood has gone beyond blows and punches, and represents a major factor in teen-age killings.
Such skewed views of manhood lead to violence against the self. Many adolescent males get involved in such potentially suicidal activities as taking drugs, driving too fast, or driving while drunk because they're terrified their friends will consider them un-masculine.
Such twisted attitudes lead to violence against their inner sense of life." Many young males view emotions and sensitivities as something "for girls." They're terrified of having and showing feelings, of ; being touched and moved by something, i They develop a hatred of their capacity to i love.
Such bizarre beliefs lead to violence against their inner spiritual life. Many teen-age boys consider moral and spiritual feelings "feminine" and cause for shame. Boys can be brainwashed into such destructive attitudes about their sexual identity through their friends' mockery, ridicule, psychological intimidation, and "peer pressure." They can be brainwashed by media suggestions that such values are sanctioned by the adult world. And they can be brainwashed because all too often v men with strong, moral values and ideas are afraid to talk about their beliefs.
Fortunately, parents have a unique power to counteract this destructive brainwashing of boys.

First, they must show respect for their sons' ideas and feelings.

Second, they can encourage boys to resist the pressure of their peer group, ease the hurt of rejection, and help them find a strength within themselves.

Third, they can counter media values by discussing with their teens what they see on television or in the movies, and getting them to examine media messages thoughtfully instead of accepting them passively.
Parents can note, for instance, how this or that action movie portrays casual attitudes toward violence and disrespect for is human life as masculine strength or point out heroes who try to handle conflicts without violence. They can read their sons stories with positive heroes and positive standards, and encourage them to read other it slopes on their own.

Fourth, fathers can represent positive models of masculinity and openly discuss moral behavior with their sons.
However, in doing so, fathers may have to deal with their own brainwashing experiences. In such cases, it may be helpful for them to adapt certain suggestions devised by psychiatrists for victims of child abuse:

•Describe to yourself aloud, in writing, or to an understanding person when you were made to feel ashamed, humiliated, insulted, or pressured because of someone else's view of manhood.

• Express the emotions you felt (or feel now) - shame, anger, under attack personally, or under attack for your values, emotions, self-worth, or sense of life. Don't minimize or excuse what happened by dismissing it as common, normal, humorous, or "part of growing up," or justifying it on the basis that it toughened" you or "made a man out of you."

• Talk or write in imagination to those who hurt you - a mocking classmate, a bully, coach, teacher, or even a parent. Tell them what they did or how they made you feel

• Describe in imagination how you ought to have been treated. As fathers realize from this last step what their own needs were, they can "go and do likewise" with their sons.
"We have to encourage boys from the youngest age," notes writer Myriam Miedzian. "Tell them - and show them - they can be nurturing and masculine at the same time."

Ron Seigel is a freelance writer who lives in Highland Park, Michigan